How Indian Older Adults Are Finding Their Chosen Circle of Support

Does support in the older years always come from family? Changing ways of life and social structures have ensured we are finding circles of care beyond it.

Rani Swamy finds her pillars of strength in the group of seven women she met during a ballroom dance workshop organized by Silver Talkies in 2018. It opened up lifelong friendships, including a second career in modeling she discovered through Kalpana Rao, a friend in the group. Swamy, 65, calls this group of seven her daily source of support and thinks her generation of older adults often look beyond the family to find such a network of friends. 

“Family members now live away from each other. Also, people no longer have as many inhibitions as they had earlier and are ready to share their troubles and worries with others. Social media too has helped bring awareness about different realities and ways of life and connect us further,” Swamy thinks. 

Madhu Mehra, an entrepreneur and a Silver Talkies member whose children live overseas, finds her chosen family in two neighbors in their 40s and 50s, apart from friends in the locality. Mehra is very close to her two daughters, who are constantly in touch with her and her sources of support and strength. But she says children living far away and a change in conservative thinking have made it important for older adults of today to have ‘alternate families’ they can rely on.

The term ‘Family’ no longer means the same to everyone. In August 2022, the Supreme Court said that unconventional family structures are also entitled to legal recognition and protection. Convention says family connections are made up of moms, fathers, and children. But as the honorable judges said, that is no longer always the case and that all familial relationships—domestic, unmarried, queer, adoption, fostering, or remarriage—should be legally recognized.

Why are we talking about this here? Because this progressive judgment reaffirms a social change – of chosen families and companionships with a difference. For many urban older adults, companionship and friendships have now gone beyond society-defined norms fuelled by a change in mindset and cultural variables. Families are not often in the same physical location, prompting many older adults to find a tribe they can rely on for immediate support and strength.

The Men of Manasarovar

K Santoshkumar is 85 and a bachelor. His companions and support system for the last seven years have been the men he met at work, many of them single like him, between the ages of 75-85. Their unconventional living arrangement ensures they find social connections, have the comfort of meeting their families when they want, and maintain their independence.      

Santoshkumar and 15 former colleagues live together in Manasarovar, a Chennai residence designed for this purpose. Their current living arrangement is the result of a well-thought-out retirement plan. BS Srikanth, a mobility solutions entrepreneur, and his nephew shared with us how this came about. Santoshkumar was in the merchant navy and now shares Manasarovar with some of his former colleagues. The men were friends from earlier in the same profession. As they neared retirement, the person to whom the property belonged discussed the idea of staying together in a shared residence with some single and widowed colleagues. Santoshkumar was one of them. Gradually a few more people, two of them with their spouses, joined the group, and the idea of having a shared home to live in took shape. The group pitched in with deposits for some fixed assets to make the place liveable.

Most people at Manasarovar also have their own homes or children living elsewhere. Some often go back and spend time with their children or relatives for a few months. But Manasarovar has been their home for the past seven years, the chief residence they all return to. The residents share common expenses for daily living, maintenance, a doctor on call, helpers, and other joint amenities at Manasarovar. Live-in helpers manage chores, and a weekly menu is planned based on everyone’s preferences. It’s an atmosphere of home-like comfort, with the satisfaction of having a peer group around without losing out on your independence. The residents have their own space and rooms and can do things of their choice, including cooking meals. The common areas are a small library, kitchen, and dining area and space to come together when they wish to.

Srikanth is close to his uncle and has seen the Manasarovar idea come together from the inception stage. He thinks this unique circle of support has worked out very well for his uncle and others. “The advantage is the bonhomie among them. Also, mariners develop different hobbies. I can vouch that my uncle never feels lonely as part of this community and I’m sure the sentiment is shared by the other residents because everyone came here of their free will. Voluntarily they all decided to do this and make it work, and even if unusual, it has worked for all of them so far.”

Santoshkumar’s story is heartening for many older adults who may be single or not have immediate family to stay with. Some may have stronger bonds and friendships beyond the family worth exploring as a unit to live with. Mansarovar residents come from different parts of the country, but their shared professional past and the promise of a future where they have constant companionship, camaraderie, and a chosen circle of support keep them bound to each other.

The Co-Carers

Support and companionship aren’t always between peers. Sometimes, it’s a bond across generations. 

During the pandemic, when Pune-based couple Sudha and Mohan Chand, both in their 70s, had Covid-19 and needed to be cared for at home, their Singapore-based daughter could not travel. But she needn’t have worried. Chand and Sudha live alone, but their complete care, which included coordination with a doctor, procuring medicines, arranging for daily food and groceries, and managing their household, was taken care of entirely by four of their neighbors. “They formed a WhatsApp group and divided responsibilities among themselves to care for my parents. It was such a well-coordinated and heartfelt effort that it almost became a model among some more building residents,” says their daughter Anila. The caregiving was taken forward when one of the neighbors, a single mom in her 40s, caught the virus later. “My parents stepped forward to take charge of their neighbor’s school-going children, moving them to their apartment and taking complete care of their activities and schedule until the mother recovered.”

Jaya, in her late 60s, is battling an aggressive form of cancer. Apart from a daughter who lives overseas, her caregivers and constant champions are two younger women she met and became close friends with a few years ago. These women, both professionals with busy itineraries, have been her source of strength throughout the treatment. They’ve accompanied her on doctor visits, supported her through rounds of chemotherapy, and taken turns to stay with her on tough days. For her younger friends, it’s been a journey with immense learning and an understanding of their patience and strength.

The idea behind stories like the Chands' or Mr. Santoshkumar and his friends’ co-living arrangement is the hope that there can be support beyond the traditional norms of just family or a marriage. Our circle of support can go beyond our families, and there can be care in unique friendships, like-mindedness, and shared goals as we grow older.

Do you have your own circle of support? Share with us in the comments below.